Sub vs. Bottom

Too many people out there think sub and bottom equals the same thing. They aren’t the same thing. They are vastly different especially from my perspective.

I’ve been experimenting in the kink world for almost 8 hears now and in all of those years I have bottomed to many, but subbed to one person only. I no longer to sub to that person and don’t ask why, its none of your business šŸ˜› Those subby urges that popped up today caused this post to happen…

Bottoming is temporary but subbing involves more to me. Bottoming can last for a scene but subbing is a state of mind and being. It’s deeper. It involves a relationship of types. There doesn’t have to be love but it does involve the feelings of desire to make the Dom happy. I may have those desires during a bottoming scene, but it is no longer in effect once the scene ends.

For example, I’ve had relationships and friendships with people I have bottomed to, but the relationship resumed normalcy with no expectations of anything more than what it was before the scene began.

Bottoming is the way I get my masochistic needs out with no other expectations. I can help throw scene ideas into the mix. I can tell the top what I am looking for, what I am okay with and what my limits are.

I can do the same as a sub, however I expect it not to be all about my wants and needs. I expect to have my limits pushed and to have my comfort zone shifted. I expect to be held to my assigned tasks with little leniency. I expect discipline if I have failed. Simple tasks set to me as a sub can make my day, even if my only reward is a “good girl” or something of the like. I get a deep satisfaction for making my Dom proud and truth be told, I don’t get that release from bottoming.

I need to backtrack to rules…I have a love hate relationship with rules. I want them but they cant control my life. I don’t want a 24/7 live in Dom. I don’t want someone to rule my life. I want a normal friendship/relationship with someone that happens to make my knees wobble and put me in my subby zone. I want a Dom as long as they don’t live with me šŸ˜€ I don’t like situations to be forced so I haven’t rushed my sporadic and half-assed Dom search. I want it to just sort of happen.

I do miss the text/email/chat that would pop up to discuss discipline, be assigned tasks, scenes or just a regular discussion that comes with having a dom, but I also know I don’t know many people that make me want to submit to them. It is a very special thing for me to have those urges in the first place seeing as I prefer to be a Dom/top in the first place.

So for now, I stuff those subby urges down and keep doing my thing. Though I was told by someone who has seen my sub side,”it does look sweet on ya when it does show up!” So maybe I’ll keep looking and maybe someday I’ll know the satisfaction of releasing my subby side again šŸ™‚

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4 Responses to Sub vs. Bottom

  1. sleekimager says:

    I once had a lengthy on-line dialog with a well-known and well-respected author/educator in which she asserted that, to her, and in her memory of The Way Things Were, the term “top” was synonymous to “dom”, and “bottom” to “sub”, both as nouns and verbs. She lamented the loss of the synonyms, I disagreed and applauded the creation of nuanced terms (i.e. that to bottom is not the same as to sub). We never quite reached agreement, but we gained a little more understanding.

    Part of the issue eventually boiled down to her worldview, in which people were never “tops/doms/bottoms/subs” (as nouns) but just elected to top or bottom in some context for some period of time; eventually, they’d switch roles in some way. This appears to be quite typical of a lot of people in the “Sexual Magick”/spiritual SM realm, as well as in some Leather groups (where “top” or “sub” is just a verb, and titles — like “Master” — have much more meaning than just “he who holds the whip”)!

    But the other part of the issue was a disagreement as to what “sub” abbreviates: to her, it was “submit”, a verb. To me, and to many others, it’s the noun “submission”. Likewise “dom” can be either the verb “to dominate” or it can be the noun (or adjective) “dominant”.

    And I can see that there can be people who adopt the verb forms, for whom the phrase “she submitted to the caning” means nothing more than “she was caned”, and which could reasonably be abbreviated as “she subbed”.

    But for others, including me, it’s similar to the distinction between love and sex; it’s not the same as that (of course), but while it’s impossible to bottom to someone on the other side of a crowded hall, it’s very easy to raise an eyebrow and invoke in a submissive the exact same result as if I were standing next to her. The similarity works: you can’t fuck someone at a distance, but you can make love to them.

    M

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  3. Rick Umbaugh says:

    This whole business of how we identify has been evolving over the years. Back before you were born anyone who submitted to a dominant was a submissive but over the years things have gotten more complex. The idea of Top and Bottom came when people who switched decided that Dominant and Submissive really didn’t express what they did. It was a movement which began, from what I remember, in the Gay Community which was already using these terms to describe the difference between the person who was penetrated v. the person who was doing the penetrating and so the distinction between the person who was doing the bondage and stimulation and the person who was being bound and stimulated. It had little to do with what is today called D/S. Now, this is an East Coast story. On the west coast what we on the east coast called SM or even earlier S&M, was called Bondage and Discipline or B&D, so the whole Top and Bottom thing may have arrived earlier than on the East Coast and may have started as these terms migrated from the Gay Community into the Straight Community. I don’t know and never had the time to investigate.

    Rick Umbaugh
    qui bene amat bene castigat

  4. BondageToy says:

    99% of the time, I am a “Bottom” not a “submissive”. People often mistake me for a sub online when they see my pictures or my stories, but they hardly ever make that observation if they meet me in real life.

    I have to say there is only one person I currently am “Submissive” with, and you know who she is… It takes a very strong person that I highly respect and a special dynamic for me to get into the “submissive” role as more than just an act when I am getting paid for it.

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