Back in the day (about 7 years ago) I started to get into the idea of open relationships. Like most people, I started out monogamous, but I have been around swingers other ethical non-monogamous types since I was 15. Once I’d learned there were other non-monogamous possibilities, I knew that was more my style. I am not promiscuous or afraid of commitment (okay a little on the second part sometimes), but the idea of one person meeting my every single want, need and desire seemed a little absurd to me.
I started to swing a little here and there, but found it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for. Don’t get me wrong, the sex was fun and I met good people, but I wanted more…I wanted to indulge in kink. I found that most swingers didn’t have kink outside their partner if they had kink at all (aside from swinging itself). I’ve pondered this and come to the conclusion that kink would involve trust and a relationship that many swingers aren’t looking for. It would defeat the point of NSA (no strings attached) swinging and be far more polyamorous.
This is a broad generalization and there are obviously those that will fit the small percentile of openly kinky swingers, but I have found that it is far more common to be polyamorous and kinky with others than a swinger and openly kinky with others.
Swinging was more about meeting hot people that I wanted to have sexual fun with and then go our separate ways. I may see them again and we may fuck again but there wasn’t much beyond that. There were no deep feelings of love. There may have been friendship or something of the like, but it wasn’t a life changing bond. It was just lust and sex and while it was fun, it didn’t quite fit what I wanted.
Polyamory on the other hand, is deep. Its not just about the sex or the kink, but those are great bonuses. Poly is about the love, sharing lives, communication, being there for each other, trust, the connection and knowledge that this love can be shared with more than one person. Time is finite and love is not.
Back to my point, swinging seems to focus more on sex and less on an emotional connection. Now don’t get me wrong, I like fucking just as much or more than the next person and I have a high sex drive so swinging seemed practical. Though as a swinger I couldn’t find people to play with in a D/s or kink way because that was treading into a relationship of sorts that many swingers weren’t comfortable with. Anyone can give a smack on the ass while fucking, but that wasn’t enough kink for me. I wanted sexy scenes as foreplay for my fucking. I wanted mindfucks, orders, humiliation, and lots and lots of spankings. I wanted this from different people so I could experience different techniques, types of play and different people. That was not possible in the swinger world I knew.
I knew I could love more than one person and I knew I had compersion. I discussed the idea of polyamory with my happily married and happily poly friends of 10 years. I decided to explore polyamory and it was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have been able to have a partner, a boyfriend and play partners that all indulge different kinks of mine. Had I just stuck with swinging or monogamy, I wouldn’t be able to make porn or do the things I do and have a partner who can enjoy these things with me. Even if all the kink and sex is taken out, I still have these people that I care for deeply and that care for me equally. I am surrounded by love and happiness. Does life get much better?!
Poly isn’t for everyone anymore than monogamy or swinging is, but I have found my niche being poly and kinky and I am happy with my life.